Back to the Stone Age

I gave up on the third round of HCG. My theory is that while I had great success on the first round, when I tried again, my body was onto me and didn’t fall for the trick. (I also didn’t have acupuncture support, but that’s a different issue). I may seem flaky for trying all kinds of weird shit in the quest for a smaller body, but I prefer to think of it as being open-minded and trying to find what works.  Eating sugar and starch don’t work. Sitting on my ass doesn’t work. When I did the Protein Power plan years ago (I have never done a full-on  Atkins), I felt great with the severe carbohydrate restriction and (percentage-wise) greater increase in protein.  From a couple of different people I trust, I had heard about something called the Paleo Diet.

On the Paleo Diet (or Caveman Diet), no processed food, no sugar, no grains, no dairy (No cheeseburger with ketchup). Food is organic (as clean as possible. I understand costs) and meat is organic: grass-fed, free range, no added growth hormones and preferably not fed on grain (You are not only what YOU eat, but you are also what you’re eating ate. I think Strunk & White just turned over in their graves).  If you’re into eating seafood (I am not), wild caught fish, nothing farm raised (and by the way, tilapia eats poo. I saw it on “Dirty Jobs.”)

There are varying versions. Hardcore folks insist on everything raw. Yeah, not for me: I am not a Border Collie. I am not about to eat raw chicken. I prefer to set the Wayback Machine (that’s for Kelly Goodman. She knows why) to a point AFTER human beings had figured out fire, but before the invention of Hamburger Helper (Stroganoff: GOOD beef, onions, sour cream, mushrooms, noodles. No freeze-dried powdered chemical shit. Brown beef, remove from heat, brown onions and mushrooms. Cook noodles according to instructions. Return beef to pan with onions and mushrooms. Add sour cream. Either serve over noodles or if you insist on the HH experience, dump the noodles into the pan. Voila: Beef Stroganoff).

You are allowed all the veggies you want, limiting the intake of starchy ones (potatoes, sweet potatoes). If you want to eat half a cow, medium rare, go ahead. Nuts, fruit, seeds? Okay (but be smart about quantities: fruits are high in sugars). It’s reminiscent of Atkins and Protein Power.

Here’s why this makes sense to me: I had been heading towards eating like this anyway over the past year. By eliminating gluten (wheat, rye, barley) from my diet, I had cleared up a bunch of issues, like eczema and bloody, clogged sinuses. I was finding that eating other grains (corn, rice, oats) would throw my metabolism into reverse. Sugar gave me zits. I’ve never had a problem with dairy, but I’ve been limiting my fat intake (except for the days when nothing would satisfy but bacon) and that limited my dairy intake and that fats + starch (buttered rice, potatoes, french fries, yams with butter, cheese nachos) was a bad combo.

No barley, rye, wheat or corn: this will severely cut into whiskey, bourbon and beer drinking. There’s always wine and rum.

I had heard Chris Jericho talking about this on the Mark & Brian radio show a few weeks ago. I’d heard the name, couldn’t tell you what he looked like (He’s a pretty decent rocker, too). Here’s what he looks like.

I have found another great website, Nerd Fitness, www.nerdfitness.com. I love this because it’s funny as hell, loaded with references to Star Wars (IV, V and VI, the REAL ones, not that Jar Jar Binks crap), Indiana Jones, Legos and video games.  And X Men. What’s not to love? It’s also wonderfully supportive and just plain resonates with me. Steve Kamb, the proprietor, gives you an introduction to Paleo if you sign up to join the Nerd Rebellion (I did) and offers some pretty compelling pictures of people who drastically changed themselves through changing their diet (Saint and Staci).

Protein is the essential building block of life: if it’s animal or vegetable, it’s made of protein. The vitamins and minerals you take in (and fiber) are to support the proper function and repair of the protein that makes up YOU. Leave the corn and the sugar cane and the carbs for ethanol production.

There really wasn’t much of a switch for me: I just had to finish up the last of the Greek yogurt I’d had in the house and use almond or coconut milk in my coffee (which is pretty good, actually). I will miss cheese. I have tried almond cheese and as an American adult, I cannot be compelled to repeat the experience.

Now, I just need to find a local photographer to help me record changes. There is a picture on Facebook of my collarbone, which I can finally see again. However, getting the picture was quite the experience: thank God for yoga, because the flexibility came in handy.

We’ll see if it makes me feel like running around in a fur mini-skirt.

To Thine Own Self Be True

196.4 lbs. Okay, that’s more like it.

Today, a totally strange woman (in every conceivable meaning of the word) turned to me in the locker room and said, “I made $11,000 last month.”  Initial reaction (outward was a “good for you”): “Bitch, I know you’re trying to sell me something. I know I’m not wearing makeup but do I look stupid?”

I broke the plateau. I applied the Sinatra principle and did it my way (although technically, since Paul Anka wrote it, perhaps the Anka way would be also apropos).

I figure, if you’re working out to the tune of 1212 calories burned and 1600 calories eaten + a basal metabolic rate of 2300, there should be less of your ass the next day. If, on the other hand, nothing changes, it’s time to take a hard look at what’s clogging up the works (Not literally, in my case. All elimination functions are healthy).

The one change I had made to my diet that coincided with the upward weight bounce and maintenance at the higher level was the addition of a bowl of oatmeal (with fruit, flax, cinnamon and agave) before working out. Yes, complex carbohydrates are supposed to be great for you, but I figure (and have absolutely no  training or scientific studies conducted by nutrition experts or me to back it up) that starches and I are natural enemies, even if they’re in healthy things like oatmeal.  Here’s the unscientific theory: you use starches (flour, cornstarch, potato starch, etc.) to thicken dishes. I’m not Alton Brown and don’t have Food Network on right now (actually, it’s Phat Girlz which is a lousy movie, but I can relate to so much in it. However, I WILL be switching over to “The Voice” at 9. This IS a lousy movie) so I can’t explain how it works. But, I figure, what’s sauce for the goose (or duck, or turkey or chicken) is sauce for the gander. If it thickens things up outside your belly, it probably does the same thing on the inside (I know a nutritionist could undoubtedly make an argument about stomach acid and all that jazz, but like I said, this is highly unscientific). I noticed that certain functions slowed down.  I can eat half a cow, medium rare and it doesn’t screw up the works.

An overnight spike of 2 lbs. is water weight. Fine. A plateau indicates that something isn’t moving. I also felt a bit bloated. So, I was thinking that the oatmeal had slowed down the digestive tract. And I had  (ahem) evidence (or lack thereof) that this was the case. One day at the upper plateau, I had VERY little animal protein. And things still didn’t shift. So, contrary to the instructions of Torquemada, I did not have a bowl (or even a double bowl, as she was pushing) of oatmeal before going to the gym yesterday.

I FELT the digestive process working better. I stuck with the protein shake after working out because my past experience with my body has shown me that it likes protein. It would be perfectly happy with some kind of meat and a salad. Or a bunch of green beans. Or tomatoes. Lots of tomatoes. However, despite their status as a super food, hand me a Brussels Sprout and it will be inserted in your left nostril.

There are general rules for nutrition, granted, but I believe that human biochemistry is as individual as your fingerprints. Look at it this way: if all of our bodies reacted identically to stimuli (foods, contact with dander or sunlight), we’d all have the same allergies and preferences in foods and scents. Like the rest of my family, I could down seafood without getting sick to my stomach. And we’d all like the same people on American Idol (which I don’t watch. It gives me hives). The point being, whereas most people benefit from having those complex carbs to prime the energy burning pump, I do better with protein (yogurt  or cottage cheese).   I love Cheerios, but cannot start the day with them: an hour later and I’m starved. And fatigued.  However, give me a protein shake (My mother used to make them for me in the blender: egg – which she snuck in – some kind of flavoring, milk and ice and sometimes peanut butter)  and I’m good to go for hours.

Oh, I apologized to Torquemada for barking at her yesterday. She smiled sweetly, which I took to mean that my ass is grass tomorrow. But, despite her status as a trained professional and my resolve to do things as instructed to do, I have found it necessary to be my stubborn, mulish self and do things my way. Sometimes.

So, I will increase my protein and chicken intake (black pepper, crystallized lemon, granulated garlic and the Foreman grill makes for a formidable dish. No salt need be applied), eat my fruits and vegetables and if that fails to work, maybe we’ll revisit the oatmeal. Or not.

In case anyone thinks I’ve gone totally maverick (didn’t work so well for McCain), I have begun to incorporate Torquemada’s “hour of intense cardio” rule. I made the mistake of doing it BEFORE yoga today and did not complete the hour. I did not have it in me and there was a sub in for Lila who went in for the tough stuff pretty much out of the gate. Like MacArthur, I shall return, only this time, it will be after a job interview (wish me luck) and not an hour of cardio. That will come afterwards.

And if I run into the strange lady in the locker room again, I will offer to hook her up with a Nigerian prince.