In which the author, whose ears bleed from all the "But you have such a pretty face" comments heard over the years, drags her fat ass and cranky attitude towards "normal" BMI. Anybody who doesn't like it, go to hell.
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Monday, February 20, 2012
Nope, still haven’t been on the scale. It’s just killing
you, I know.
“The King’s Speech” is playing on TV right now; it’s the scene
where Lionel Logue gets the Duke of York to curse a blue string (this scene is
what got the film an R rating). The cuss string the Duke lets go sounds a lot
like me when I miss my exit off the 210. Or 405. Or 60. (Colin Firth. Sigh).
To all the guys who wear their baseball caps sideways or
backwards or somewhere in between: it’s time for that fad to go the way of the
Edsel, Tyrannosaurus Rex and dodo bird. You look like douches, especially the
half and three quarters look. The cap on backwards or sideways is cute on
someone who is of an age when dressing oneself is a skill yet to be mastered.
Fair warning: if you don’t straighten out the cap, you WILL
grow up to look like this:
And yes, that is the same person in both pictures.
Besides, GENTLEMEN (and some ladies), traditionally, it is
considered very bad manners to wear a hat indoors unless it’s for religious
purposes, like a yarmulke, turban or veil in a Catholic church. Of course, the
argument can be made that wearing a Yankees cap at all times marks the wearer
as a devil-worshipper.
I’m happy to report that with the shift from the circuit
machines to the free weights (and keep in mind that I’ve been working in some
free weight exercises for the triceps for a couple of months), things are
starting to pop in a good way. I have detectable triceps under both arms. The
back boobs, although never really enormous (I’ve seen men with bigger ones) are
almost GONE (for that, I’m thinking that working the core muscles on the Roman
chair). The Great White Belly will be the last to go (and that’s normal
according to all the sources), but like the Soviet Union and its satellite
states, once the Wall comes down, it’s pretty much over (See “World Events:
1989”. Berlin Wall reference. As a teenager when the Cold War was raging I
would wonder if that thing would come down in my lifetime. It did). I would
call the vanishing back fat Hungary and Czechoslovakia saying “Buh bye” to the
I hear from people who want to work out and exercise but don’t
have the time or place. Or, in some cases, the ambition to start. Like me,
their jobs have them sitting for hours in front of a computer and the most
active body parts are the hands and fingers as we type away furiously at a
keyboard, keeping the free market rolling along. And if the office environment
is stressful enough, by the time you get home, all you have the energy to do is
make microwave nachos (heavy cheese) and watch whatever’s on TV.
If you can find the time, space and energy to do some
pushups or sit-ups, that’s great. They’re
resistance moves using your own body weight.
My friend, Run, is fond of the movie “What About Bob?” (Bill
Murray and Richard Dreyfuss) and especially the psychologist’s philosophy: baby
steps. Gotta do it in baby steps. With respect to starting an exercise program,
you don’t need to join a gym, invest in a lot of equipment (or clothing, no
matter how cute. And by the way, leg warmers have been out of style since 1983.
“Flashdance” sucked. I said it, I mean it. I’ll stand by it) or even clear a
big space to do it.
Isometrics (noun): A system of physical exercises in which
muscles are caused to act against each other or against a fixed object.
You can exercise your muscles with small movements.
Contract, count to ten (“One Mississippi, two Mississippi…”) and release. Try
it right now as you’re sitting and reading this. Clench your butt muscles as
hard as you can (Pretend you’re in the middle of a silent religious service and
that burrito you ate 2 hours ago is threatening to make itself known). Count to
ten. Release. Repeat (Thirty times).
Or let’s go to the abdominal muscles. Same idea: pretend
the newest Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover girl, Kate Upton is walking past
(That suit on the
cover probably cost north of $150, but it looks like a reject from “Blue Crush”).
And you’re male. Or lesbian. Whatever, you want to make a
good impression. Contract your abdominal muscles (aka suck in that gut).
Imagine you’re pulling your belly button back towards your spine. Hold for ten
seconds. Release. Quick! She’s coming back! Suck it in again! And she walks
past another 28 times.
And for the gays and women:
Any voluntary muscle in your body can be contracted and
released at will. That’s their work, that’s their purpose. Even the small
contractions are making them work.
And if you get ambitious, try a plank:
That's a full body contraction, my friend. Butt, gut and everything attached.
Not quite up to that? Baby steps: start with the butt.
Hey, it’s a start. Now turn that hat around the right