Sunday, February 5, 2012

How To Defeat The Flash

Don’t ask. Not telling.

I’m about to discuss a situation that will use language inappropriate for small ears (although, truth be told, if you hang around any playground, you are likely to hear more than a few F bombs. Blame daddies and football). If you are a regular visitor to this space, you know that I signed up for E Harmony for 3 months. And you know it was a complete bust. I awoke to a VERY unpleasant surprise yesterday: a cheerful announcement from those motherfuckers telling me that they’d “auto-renewed” my account and had charged me for 3 months at once (I had been paying 1 month at a time). Want to guess how long it took me to close it and file for a refund? Yeah. They’re denying saying that “auto-renew” is their policy so that communications won’t be interrupted (COMMUNICATIONS WITH WHOM, FER CRISSAKES??? THERE WERE NO TAKERS!!!!) and that this was more than 3 months after I’d bought in.

Oh, please.

Shaking the rust off my legal education, I countered that I had signed up for 3 months and 3 months only, there was no mention of auto-renew at the time of sign-up and no warning provided prior to hitting my account without my knowledge or consent. So far, they’ve offered 1. A discounted rate to keep the account  open. Oh, HELL no. Half the money back and keep the account open for 3 months. I told them that they’ve insulted my intelligence and furthermore, IF I’D WANTED TO KEEP THE FUCKING ACCOUNT, I WOULDN’T HAVE FUCKING CLOSED IT. As I am (pissed off is an overused term) ready to go full-on lawyer on their ass, I think their offer is inadequate as it does not undo the damage caused. Since someone just beat Honda in Cali Small Claims Court over hybrid mileage, I’m feeling my oats (except that I’m not eating grains these days).

Okay, happier stuff.

 It is not a secret that I hit the half-century mark in June and, I swear, within 72 hours, I started feeling hot flashes. Any man who looks down on women as “the weaker sex” or second-class citizens needs to experience the joys of womanhood, from those first menstrual cramps and vomiting  from same up through  labor and delivery (Fanny Brice from Funny Lady “Ever tried pushing a piano through a porthole?”) on to sweating through two or three blouses a day in full-on air conditioning. It’s bad enough to have the sweat machine engage during the daylight hours, but this is interfering with my sleep. Kick off the covers and within minutes, wake up to grope and pull them back up. Lather, rinse, repeat. You know why middle-aged women are cranky? Right there: we’re sleep-deprived.

 Mortgage loan files are not the object of my desire and I resent like hell panting and sweating while staring at them with a thundering heartbeat.

On top of the nonsense with E Harmony yesterday (and today), I’d fucking had it. I was also still irritated with Dr. Oz’s treatment of Rosie O’Donnell (who, a year younger than me, is experiencing the same joy and was discussing a “bio-identical hormone cream.” Gentlemen, there are substantial risks to hormone replacement therapy, like cancer and heart disease. Since you think you’re so damned much smarter than we are, come up with something better that won’t kill us in the process).

I’ve heard of black cohosh as a remedy and red clover extract. However, I have none of those in the house and, as previously stated, E Fucking Harmony thought they could better use my money than I could (Yeah, right).

I hit the Internet and…Apple Cider Vinegar? No shit, really?

Yeah, really:

According to this website and, apple cider vinegar is a safe and effective remedy for hot flashes. Dosage varies from person to person, but I read a couple of contributions from readers and they’d settled on 2-3 tablespoons. And it has to be organic apple cider vinegar with the “mother” (or “veil of the mother” in the bottle). It’s cloudy and has a big wad of gunk at the bottom of the bottle. Bragg’s brand, Whole Foods (365, I think), Trader Joe’s, but look for the “mother.”

“What the hell, “ I figured. I mixed 2 tablespoons with a shot (didn’t measure) of agave nectar (sweetener without the glycemic impact of sugar) in a coffee mug and filled the mug with hot tap water. I got that down and went to bed (with sleep mask).

Had it not been for the dimbo (dumb + bimbo) in the next unit making a racket  in the middle of the night, I would have slept for 8 hours straight. Nary a flash.

This morning, I used 3 tablespoons + maple syrup (In a word: yucky) and that was great for about 8 hours, but I just had to down another tablespoon as I felt another coming on. Stopped it dead.

I have been asked if apple cider vinegar works for other menopause symptoms and I found that it addresses a pantsload of human ailments (click on the links) INCLUDING weight loss (bet you were wondering when I was going to tie it back to the primary focus of this blog, huh?):

“Apple Cider Vinegar, that wonderful old-timers home remedy, cures more ailments than any other folk remedy -- we're convinced! From the extensive feedback we've received over the past 8 years, the reported cures from drinking Apple Cider Vinegar are numerous. They include cures for allergies (including pet, food and environmental), sinus infections, acne, high cholesterol, flu, chronic fatigue, candida, acid reflux, sore throats, contact dermatitis, arthritis, and gout. Apple Cider Vinegar also breaks down fat and is widely used to lose weight. It has also been reported that a daily dose of apple cider vinegar in water has high blood pressure under control in two weeks!

Apple Cider Vinegar is also wonderful for pets, including dogs, cats, and horses. It helps them with arthritic conditions, controls fleas & barn flies, and gives a beautiful shine to their coats!”

About that shiny coat:

My hair has darkened over the years; right now it’s a fairly dark shade of blonde and I’m not in love with the amount of hair I have to clean out of the brush every week. If you’d ever seen the men in my family (one of my nieces having described my late father’s hair color as “pink”), you’d understand why I’d be concerned about the grip my hair follicles have on my scalp. Rogaine: it’s not just for men. A few days ago, I’d been researching ways of lightening my hair color in a natural and inexpensive way. In addition to chamomile (box of tea bags from Fresh & Easy, $2.98. Fill a 1 quart Tupperware or Cool Whip container with warm water, put in 6 bags and let those puppies steep overnight. It’ll look like chicken stock in the morning), one site recommended apple cider vinegar (and honey) to gradually lighten hair color. I’ve been rinsing my hair with about a cup of the chamomile tea, leaving it in and it’s gradually lightening. I’ve added some of the Bragg’s to the tea and will proceed and report back.

Today, to answer the query about other symptoms of menopause, I was doing some Internet research and found out that rinsing your hair with cider vinegar will stop/reverse hair loss. (And, apparently, prevent fleas and barn flies).

(And if you have long hair, braid it before bedtime to prevent pillow damage. It worked for Ma Ingalls).

As soon as I get those thieves at E Harmony sorted out, I will investigate maca root: also recommended by a trusted source for addressing the issues of female aging. I think it’s available in capsules.

And by the way, E Harmony just caved.


And please, if you try the apple cider vinegar or other remedies, please share your comments here.

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