Sunday, July 29, 2012
Drop and give me 12
WHAT’S YOUR DAMAGE, MAGGOT?
I WORK FOR A LIVING, NUMBNUTS. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR WEIGHT LOSS AND BLOGGING PROGRAM?
I DON’T SEE YOU LOSING ANY WEIGHT. AND I’VE NOTICED THAT YOU’RE NOT AT THE GYM AS OFTEN. WHATSA MATTER, GONE SOFT?
No, Sarge. Been working my ass off.
NOT FROM WHERE I SIT, PRIVATE.
Hey, I’ve maintained my healthy eating habits, Sarge.
WELL, LA DI DAH! LET’S JUST DANCE AROUND THE FRIGGIN’ MAYPOLE. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MUSCLE DEFINITION?
KEEP TALKIN’ LIKE THAT, MAGGOT AND DIG YOURSELF IN.
You going to throw a box of tissues at me, Sarge?
NO MAGGOT, YOU’RE NOT WORTH THE SNOT THAT WOULD END UP IN THE RAG!!! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 12!!!! YOU DON’T NEED YOUR FANCY PANTS GYM FOR THAT!!!
(For the record, I really did just complete 12 incline push-ups. Used a bureau because the available items that are lower – meaning more effort required – are too unstable and fragile to withstand the forces of a push-up. And yes, there are forces in a push-up. I didn’t even take Physics and I know that).
ALL RIGHT, MAGGOT!! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET BACK ON THE PROGRAM?
AND WHAT ELSE?
Find a yoga class after work hours?
ARE YOU ASKING ME OR TELLING ME?
Uh, telling, I guess. Sarge.
AND IF YOU CAN’T FIND A CLASS COMPATIBLE WITH YOUR SCHEDULE?
Cardio. That has definitely gone by the wayside.
YOU NEED TO CHANGE UP YOUR ROUTINE, TOO OR YOUR BODY GETS INTO A RUT.
YES!! GIVE ME ANOTHER 12!
YOU SAW “THE DARK KNIGHT RISES”, MAGGOT! DO YOU NEED A FANCY PANTS GYM FOR PULL-UPS, PUSH-UPS OR CRUNCHES???
No, Sarge, but…
DON’T YOU SASS ME!
Well, we both know I can’t do a pull-up unassisted.
AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT??
AND WHOSE JOB IS IT TO FIX THAT?
WHAT DID YOUR COUSIN MARGARET THATCHER SAY?
Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important, although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal satisfaction.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD ONE, BUT NOT THE ONE I HAD IN MIND...
You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it?
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, RECRUIT!
KEEP POUNDING THAT WATER, RECRUIT. NO MORE GODDAMN MANDICAKES! NO MORE SUGAR! I SEE ECZEMA ON YOUR HANDS! NO MORE GRAIN! PALEO, GODDAMMIT! YOU HAD DISCIPLINE ONCE, GODDAMIT, GET IT BACK!
Yes, Drill Sergeant.
I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!
YES, DRILL SERGEANT! IT IS UP TO ME GET FIND MY DISCIPLINE AGAIN!
Excellent, Recruit. Carry on.