One X Down, One to Go

199 lbs. LOWEST POINT YET!!!!!! Stay down, Stay down!

Like the Masters, you want your total as low as possible.

Trying on clothes at Old Navy today was actually kind of fun: the XLs FIT. The size 16 shorts (which tend to run kind of small) fit. Plus, most of the stuff I picked up was on deep discount, so bonus.

Other garments, not so much.  People’s Exhibit A: an email to Reebok:

I am presently on hold for customer service. It is Saturday, April 2. I have been on hold for 15 minutes. I tried to press 1 to leave a message and the call terminated instead. I am not happy. Look: I want Easytone clothing, okay? I have fought my way down to size 16 and the pants fit . The top, however, is XL only in Munchkinland. If Reebok does not or is unwilling to make these items in larger sizes, perhaps one of your competitors might.

People’s Exhibit B: their response:

Hello Susan,

We are sorry that you experienced difficulties in contacting www.Reebok.com customer service.

In regards to the Easytone clothing that you are interested in purchasing, we encourage you to contact us at 1-XXX-XXX-XXXX  from 8AM to 8PM EST Monday - Friday, or Saturday and Sunday from 11AM to 7PM Thank you for contacting Reebok.com customer service.

EST, and a customer service representative would be happy to assist you further.

Warm Regards (you’re shitting me, right?)

People’s Exhibit C: MY Response

Fuck Reebok.

Clearly, you didn't read my email. I CALLED YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE LINE AND NOBODY PICKED UP THE GODDAMN PHONE!!

Furthermore, the "XL" size is a joke. I couldn't even pull the top over my head and I wear size 16 which is what XL is supposed to fit. Your lousy website doesn't have a sizing chart on it and I had to find the info on the Dick's Sporting Goods website. According to what was there, the clothing should have fit.

Thank you for confirming my decision years ago that Reebok is not worthy of my money. I will stick with Nike and Fila. You guys are incompetent and I hope it bites you in the ass.

Not direct enough?

In the interim, Dick’s Sporting Goods helped me order the Fila version of the Easytone Clothing. After a struggle, I got into it (Yes, it fits, BUT since this is a subtle instrument of torture, there’s not a lot of yield to it. Reminds me of me).  If you’re small-busted, I cannot recommend it enough: we are talking the Pushup Bra of Death. Seriously, the Girls were up high and tight (Any higher or tighter and I would have suffocated).Getting out was almost good for a panic attack: Houdini would have been hyper-ventilating trying to remove this strait jacket. It WILL bend to my will. I may have to meet, date and get serious with a guy just for the extra pair of hands to help me remove this thing. And get a foot massage.

Probably for good, economic and cost benefit analysis reasons, it’s difficult to find quality exercise gear in the larger sizes (for women. I haven’t shopped for men. Sorry, Guys, you’re on your own). Old Navy’s yoga clothes are an exception but things like an effective exercise bra  (big enough to  hold the cargo, strong enough to hold the cargo in place) can be a challenge. In order to have access to good quality workout clothes, you need to lose weight, but how are you going to exercise to lose weight without good workout clothes? For those of you saying an old T shirt and those gray flannel sweatpants out of “Rocky” are good enough, here’s a challenge: go do an hour on an elliptical cross trainer with a pair of unfettered 44Ds and report back on how comfortable the experience was and how great your chest feels now. Don’t like the elliptical? Fine. Hit the treadmill for an hour at 3 MPH. Try planks, crunches, you get the idea. There are structural issues that require attention.  The last time I tried it, I swear I heard “We’re too old for this shit” coming from my torso.

However, each X you drop from your size means an increase in options. Today, I went from XXL to XL. I remember going in the opposite direction and feeling rage and despair when it was necessary to go to the additional X.  I also went in search of a Snickers Bar.

I was a teenager in the 70s and one of the first “adult” books I read was “Scruples” by Judith Krantz. After I got over my shock at the sex scenes and language, I wanted to be Billie Winthrop Eichorn Orsini. I wanted to go from unhappy overweight teen to slender, fit incredibly wealthy Beverly Hills fashionista (the term hadn’t been coined yet). She transformed herself during a year in Paris, learning to eat less and to love clothing.  The $250 million came because she married extremely well, but surely I could have that kind of money myself. I still think it’s possible. And when I have it, Neiman Marcus can eat my shorts: they only accept the Neiman Marcus card or American Express. Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom’s? Come to Mama.

I have the gear. I have reason. Now I just need to get my ass moving and the calories burning. It can be done.