Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Say it Ain't So, Dr. Oz

186 lbs. Fine. Wonderful. Swell. More about this later.

In order to better work the tricep muscles (and say “Buh bye” to the arm flaps), I have been doing pull downs over on the Juice Bar in the free weights section of the gym (Juice Bar because of all the steroid cases grunting and clanging weights over there). So much testosterone in that area that I’m beginning to care about football. It’s cool; nobody hassles me and the unassisted movement of the weight stack is a better workout than the pulley machines. The arm flaps are indeed leaving town.

I’ve begun watching Dr. Oz in the afternoon (and no, I’m not about to become an Ozzie; one of his groupies). I made sure to tune in today because he promised it was his big “anti-aging” show. Hey, I turned 50 a couple of months ago and although AARP hasn’t sent me magazines (yet. Think of it as playing Hide N Seek with lobbyists, stuff starts happening in the body that needs to be addressed. I also don’t think I need to look it (or feel it). He had the audience members remove their makeup and I thought he was going to show them how to detect skin cancer or signs of other more systemic issues that might show up in the skin and should be addressed (age related).

Not so much.

He was talking wrinkles, age spots, dark circles and sagging skin. Get more sleep. Okay, good. Make sure you’re getting adequately hydrated. Excellent, although he didn’t mention a target amount of water one should drink. Go until you slosh with each step, I guess. And then, the products were trotted out. Not just “use a cream that contains THIS” or “avoid things containing THAT” (such as paraben), no, his guests were pimping specific products and procedures. Oh yeah: the wrinkle treatment in which you have blood drawn, it’s spun down to plasma and re-injected into your wrinkles. It’s called a “vampire facial.” I shit you not. Just a mere $250 per session. Why yes, it takes several sessions. Also a laser treatment for sun damage and creams in the $60 range (I took notes). We then proceeded on to “aging hair” and getting to sleep faster: more products. It took until then for me to sit back (well, lean back. I was on the elliptical machine) and realize something: Dr. Oz promotes a lot of specific products on his show. In my mind, the guy’s credibility took  a hit to the point where he’s slightly ahead of Vince the Shamwow (and Slap Chop) guy. You know the guy – looks like an elf on crack, got beaten up by a hooker.

He also talked about lingonberries as the new superfood because of their antioxidant content being off the charts (the German nihilists in “The Big Lebowski” were on to something ordering “ze lingonberry funfkuchen”. I want Brian Setzer tickets, so I’ll be trying to get Mark & Brian to play “Spot the Rocker” based on “The Big Lebowski” and a couple of other movies. Hint: the rockers are among the German Nihilists) and I will happily incorporate them into my diet, but I’m still troubled by the fact that the man was not so much showing health to his audience as shilling beauty products. In fact, one of the guests was from “Prevention” magazine, which had started out (nominally) about improving the reader’s health, but now, when you see the cover, it’s diets and anti-wrinkle. In fact, one of the products being touted today had won their “Anti-Aging” award. What the hell? Where was “eat more green peppers, drink water and almonds are a great source of protein and fiber?” Upcoming shows include “7 Health Scams” (companies using his advice to sell various products and he’s mad. Could be because he’s not getting a cut), Diet to End All Diets and The REAL Cleanse (he tells you what’s wrong with all the other ones out there, but, wouldn’t you know, Dr. Oz has one of his own to recommend).

How do all these threads tie in? The number: 186. I have been at or around that range for a couple of months and I am so sick of seeing the lack of progress that I could go postal. I have been faithful to the “eat less and exercise” edict that is the approved methodology. I measure my food, I avoid certain foods and for 5 months, I have been going to the gym at least 5-6 times per week, working out no less than one hour each time. Over the past two weeks, I have found that I have the time for Monster Burns and Godzilla Burns (weight training followed by either 2 or 3 hours of cardio. Dr. Best says that as long as the knee and back are okay with it, it’s fine by him). Supposedly, by obeying these rules, I should be losing 1-2 lbs. per week, which is acceptable to the “health experts.” Except…

It’s not fucking working.

I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow with 5 lbs. off my ass (which, although I have the gut, is a pretty decent ass, I must say. Never got any complaints), but I do expect to see the numbers decline. Otherwise, although my blood chemistry is improved and I’m stronger/more endurance, about 1/3 of the reason for my working out is failing.

I’m filling out the questionnaires for E Harmony and even though it’s supposed to be emotional/spiritual compatibility, your potential matches want a picture. I’ve done this before; they don’t want the fat girls and now, at 50, it’s even more difficult to match. Yeah it’s all in my head, but I’m undertaking a months/years long exorcism to rid myself of these demons.

That being said, HGC Round 2 coming right up. Oh, I know, I know: that’s an awful way to lose weight and nobody approves of it and you can’t possibly sustain that weight loss and yada and blah blah and “Well, Dr. Oz says….”

Fuck Dr. Oz. Oh, I’ll still watch his show for the ever-decreasing bits and pieces of free and “Hey, look at what you can do with what’s in your kitchen cabinets”, but if there was a way for him to make money from the HCG protocol, I suspect he’d have some of its biggest proponents on the show. I have done this before and it worked. 100 grams of cottage cheese in  the AM? With an orange and cucumber slices? No sweat; let me dump a bunch of granulated garlic and oregano on it (note: the orange is not in the cottage cheese and the cucumber slices work nicely into the herbed cheese). THIS WORKS FOR ME. The accepted methodology does not and I have pretty substantial evidence I’ve been following it faithfully.

Henry David Thoreau (the original hippie about 125 years ahead of schedule) once said, “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

Dr. Oz and the health experts hear the Marine Corps band and are happily marching to John Philips Sousa. Me? I’m grooving with Ringo. Or Max Weinberg (Do NOT say “Neil Pert.” Rush makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien. When it wears off and I wake up 20 years later, they’ll still be playing the same damned song).

Something my parents had to learn the hard way: just let me do things my way and things work out.

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