Monday, September 3, 2012


(Yeah, I’ve been silent for a while. And sick. And out of the gym. BUT I’VE STUCK TO EATING MY VEGETABLES AND IGNORING GRAINS, SUGAR AND PROCESSED FOODS).
You are about to listen in on an internal pep talk.

“Hey, Blondie, you need to get that ass of yours back to the gym.”
“No foolin’.”
“Why haven’t you gone?”
“Sickness, working overtime, working a LOT of overtime.”
“Well, Soldier, we need to realign our priorities a bit. You’re getting soft again and you NEED to be in tip top shape when it hits.”
“When what hits?”
“Zombie apocalypse.”

“That’s bullshit. Zombies? Really?”
“All those earthquakes out of Yorba Linda? It’s Nixon trying to break out. ”

“Oh, please, really?”
“Just go with it.”
“Fine. Zombie apocalypse. What do I need to do?”
“Resistance training. Get those upper body muscles REALLY strong.”
“Because you’re going to be swinging a shovel or a baseball bat to knock the block off of those ugly undead brain munchers. You’re going to be making like Mark McGwire or…”

“Could you please reference someone who WASN’T on steroids?”

“Ted Williams. And you’re going to need to get those legs good and strong, wonky right knee or not.”

“And that’s for…?”

“Climbing up on top of stuff. Zombies can’t climb. Their arms and legs fall off.”

“I’m in no position to argue. Stonger legs for climbing. Check. How come we’re not focusing on preventing it or curing them?”

“Because that won’t get your ass to the gym. You’re going back on 6 days a week of cardio. You’ll need endurance. You’re going to be on the move. Ever seen ‘Walking Dead?’” 

“No, and I don’t intend to. I’ll have nightmares. Zombie Girl Scouts and all – one even showed up at a Halloween party.”

“See? Ass. Gym. Tomorrow.”
“What about vampires?”
“What about them? Ever see ‘Buffy, the Vampire Slayer’?”

“No. I’m not up on pop culture, I admit it. I’m not part of the Whedon-verse. I am a dweeb. But ask me about baseball, jazz, history or Star Wars.”

“Well, Buffy kicked vampire ass. Literally. You can’t do it with tapioca tush or Christmas hams where your upper arms are supposed to be. Now, get going.”

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