Bits and Pieces

187.8 lbs. Okay, I think we need to get clear on what it means to bust a plateau. Going in the opposite direction is not what I had in mind.

GWB: Great White Belly, George W. Bush. Hmm. I don’t like either one. Coincidence? I think not.

To the woman who attempted to use and flush an entire box of toilet seat covers: If you are that fearful of germs, perhaps you should just remain in your plastic bubble.

To the sister of the woman who was on the elliptical machine next to me: Ma’am, we’ve never met, but I am truly sorry to hear about your raging yeast infection and money problems. In case you haven’t heard it already, your sister thinks you’re lazy and she’s not going to loan you any more money despite your gross infection.

1.2 lbs. up overnight. Obsession is not just a lousy fragrance by Calvin Klein. I am told that it’s food that your body has not processed yet. If I made my body work 1733 calories yesterday, then something is slowing down the works. The only things I’ve changed since last week (foodwise) are the CORRECT amount of flaxseed oil (2 grams v. the 20 I was ingesting) and the new brand of protein powder. We’ll give it until the end of the week and then decide whether to keep it or ditch it.

Today was yoga with Lila and gym management was on patrol to remove those who weren’t participating in the class. Before anyone gets huffy out there: If you behave like a child, expect to be treated accordingly.

With the weight training and cardio, I’m seeing performance improvement. As far as I can tell, I haven’t really improved in yoga (and in fact, today Plank utterly killed my shoulders. They had better recover in time for tomorrow’s weight training session). Lila, was demonstrating the “Balance on One Foot While Holding the Other One Extended” pose (I have no idea what the Sanskrit translation for THAT is, but I’ll bet it’s as long as a Thai or Sri Lankan last name. Or Welsh village), when someone asked about how long it took to develop enough flexibility to do that. She smiled and said, “Oh, maybe a thousand years.” Ah HA! So it’s not just me.

We’ve all seen the footage of a newborn foal getting to its feet and wobbling about for the first time. However, within a day or two, it’s pretty sturdy and maybe even playing with other youngsters in the paddock. The improvement comes from the legs getting stronger which also improves balance.

I know that my legs are stronger than when I started yoga in April. I would think there would be a corresponding improvement in balance. I have yet to see it. They tremble and I fall over very quickly. It takes longer for particles to travel through the Large Hadron Collider.

I refuse to be defeated by my own body. I WILL get to Tree Pose and whatever the hell you call the Grab Your Big Toe and Hold Your Leg in the Air Poe.

Dr. Oz interviewed mothers and obese children today. I only caught part of the show, but there was a woman in the audience who represents a No Fat Kids group. One of the mothers on stage was talking about the difficulties of raising an obese child and how they “stick out” if the other kids are getting treats and the fat kid doesn’t. The No Fat Kids woman wants the issue to be treated as child abuse. That’s a bit extreme. However, to the lady who can’t say “No” to her child, in the case of “every other kid gets ice cream but mine”: Hey, Lady. If your child was diabetic, would you allow her to have the ice cream just so she wouldn’t feel self-conscious? How about allergic or lactose intolerant? Would you ignore those conditions so your kid is socially acceptable? You know what? Tell the kid no ice cream so she’ll have something to tell the therapist.

I am working up the courage to take pictures in my gym clothes to post. I have shoulders that would not shame me in an off the shoulder dress. The arms aren’t flapping so much. These moments must be recorded for posterity.

By the way, my birthday is Wednesday, June 1 and I’d still like to punch Jillian Michaels in the face. I’ll be fair and not wear my biggest rings, but if someone could arrange that, I’d appreciate it and so would a number of other people.

I Must Be a Masochist: I'm Paying For This

196.2 lbs. BUT, I was told a great secret today: sweet potatoes absorb water from your body. If that’s the case, I’m eating those suckers a LOT.

I had to go to Fresh & Easy today to get a truckload of sweet potatoes. Part of the adventure was running a gauntlet of local grocery union members trying to hand out leaflets to people attempting to shop in the store. There are billboards around LA proclaiming “Let’s Fix Fresh & Easy Together.” I don’t know what’s broken at Fresh & Easy but the last time we had a big grocery strike, the “picketers” were hanging around the front of the grocery store and turning their attention away from a football game on a radio boombox (sitting in a shopping cart from the store they were “picketing”) long enough to snarl “You know, you’re not helping us” at the people leaving the store then turn back to the game and drink more coffee (although I think a couple of them had beer, but that was 8 years ago). Guys, that’s where you lost me. This is YOUR cause and if you aren’t going to show me that you give a shit about it, how the hell do you expect to persuade me I should give a shit?

Here endeth the unrelated  complaint.

It is a bad sign when your personal trainer giggles and says “Okay” when you tell her that from now on, she will be known as” Torquemada.” My ass hates her right now. My ass hates her a lot.

I frustrated the poor girl today, I can tell. Certain areas, my defenses go WAY up and stand strong. The right knee with the asphalt in it and a long string of getting banged HARD into pointy objects is something I protect (and probably baby). Anyone who says “Man up” needs to wear my knee for a couple of days starting with banging it into an angled object (like the corner of a solid desk. We’re talking a direct hit on the kneecap). It hurts like hell (pain bad enough to nauseate me) and is extremely sensitive for days afterwards. If you want me to do something on all fours where the kneecap is in contact with the floor, I need a mat. I have fallen climbing stairs (fall forward, brunt of impact on wrist of outstretched hand. Navicular fracture), bruised or fractured my coccyx (hence the subsequent muscle spasms in the lumbar region. Well, that and The Great White Belly).  Consequently, each of my wrists has spent time in a cast. I have balance issues, not just because I’m in poor shape, but also because I have ongoing inner ear issues. I have had back spasms, broken toes and other similar injuries over time that, well, okay, I’ll just say it: I’m a big chicken about pushing myself on certain moves. And I just flat refused on a couple of points (like a horse saying “Oh HELL NO” to a fence), today being walking lunges. I’m angry at myself  because this is a trained professional and she’s not going to let me hurt myself.  The walking lunges put pressure on the damaged kneecap and I have wobbled and fallen out of them. But refusing to challenge myself is part of the reason I never got good as a skier (that and I hate being cold). I must overcome this.

The other exercise that made me hold back a bit was a step exercise with a stool that was maybe 18” x 18” on the step. I couldn’t focus as well on form because I was so worried about missing the step or falling off and twisting my ankle. Again, this is a pro. She’s not going to let me hurt myself. I must trust her.

I am also angry at myself for not giving her a clean slate, so to speak, on her training methods. I was bringing in “stuff” from when I was working with The King back in 2005. He wanted me to work muscles to exhaustion. He wanted me to work on free weights rather than machines because of the extra effort required without a machine to carry part of the load. She has a different approach. She knows what she’s doing and I should respect that and let her do her to make my life better.

On the other hand…

She took away hot dogs, tortilla chips and (temporarily) red wine. Great – no more liquid muscle relaxant. The greatest blow, though, was (Play “Taps,” if you would be so kind) almost no more beef. Filet mignon once a month, maybe, but no burgers, no ribeyes, no jerky (well, that stuff’s pretty salty for my taste, anyway). I think I’m actually going to go through the 5 stages of grief on this one.  I got a lecture on having gone to In N Out (ONCE! OKAY? ONCE! AND I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO PUT SAUCE ON A SINGLE PROTEIN STYLE! I EVEN SACRIFICED CHEESE ON THAT MOTHER!) . I got even, though: I told her all about Five Guys Burger N Fries. When I see her on Monday, I giving her a Mapquest  print out to the nearest one. Heh heh heh heh.  I could see the lecture coming on a mini Edy’s ice cream  along with wine and tortilla chip consumption when I pointed out the date and explained that the Red Goddess had demanded sacrifices. She was not impressed. Or sympathetic.

(For the record, I have tried the Trader Joe’s no sugar added chocolate bars. The ones made with maltitol (I think that’s what the stuff is called). There is a warning label on the wrapper: that is the first red flag. The second, bigger red flag is that the warning is of a “laxative effect” if one eats too much. Not wishing to be a guest on “When Snacks Attack,” I will not be eating them again. Plus, they just taste gross.)

I told you this was a mean little person.  Seriously, she’d have to stretch to punch me in the kneecaps. And she just might, too.

Torquemada was smiling at me sweetly and asking, “Where are you feeling it?” when my knees were wobbling, my mouth was dryer than the Atacama Desert and I couldn’t breathe. I’m thinking she’s going to get flipped off at some point. However, she’ll probably just smile because trainers feed on your anger.

When asked to do “prison squats,” I blanched. I’ve seen “Oz.” Never, never, never bend over (or any move approaching that) in a prison. In keeping with my perceived politics, I seemed to lean towards the left, but that's only because she was was standing so far to the right.

I did get mad at myself with that one because I’m thinking that maybe I could have pushed a little bit harder and dipped a bit deeper, However, I resolve to try harder next time. Be fearless, be fearless.

And the little stinker had the nerve to give me homework: drop and do planks (or bridges) when I “feel bored.” And practice balance exercises (standing on one leg) when I’m bored with the plank.

According to the diet app (www.mynetdiary.com or just go to the app store on your IPhone or Android. I cannot endorse this more highly), today’s workout was good for burning over 500 calories. That’s more than I had eaten for breakfast (oatmeal with raspberries, flaxseed and a shot of agave). According to Torquemada, I need to eat that within an hour before training with her. Okay, I can do that, but no hot dogs? With Fab Hot Dogs down the street from the gym (Victory Blvd and Tampa Blvd. Go, go, go!). Aw jeez…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go curl up in the Child’s Pose and whimper softly for a while.