Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

196.4 lbs. And the eczema is clearing up, so I’m thinking oatmeal omission is a good thing.

I was watching “Las Vegas” while working out today and was hit by a huge epiphany: JILLIAN MICHAELS IS LARA FLYNN BOYLE AFTER A GOOD MEAL AND SOME STEROIDS!! We haven’t seen Ms. Boyle in years, but there’s Jillian’s smug mug all over the place. I’ve never seen a picture of the two of them together, so they must be the same person (see Clark Kent/Superman evidence, also Peter Parker/Spiderman). This kind of makes me sad, because I never wanted to break Lara Flynn Boyle’s nose. Up next, Al Pacino and Dustin Hoffman are the same guy.

There is a woman working out on the treadmills wearing a blue plastic sauna suit by Everlast. I looked up the customer reviews for this thing and there were a lot of positive comments (except that it seems to be a bit fragile, ripping after a couple of uses). Nobody complains about looking like Violet Beauregard AFTER she chewed the gum, though. And yes, this lady does, but if the suit does what she wants it to do, good luck and may the Force be with you (or May the Fourth be with you).

Normally, I don’t pay much attention to my reflection except to check that my hair looks okay and I haven’t put on too much eye shadow (there are days). However, while washing my face today, something caused me to stop and look. I leaned in and peered hard at…

Cheekbones. We’re not talking Lauren Hutton. The better analogy is the mosquito bites of early puberty (and that phase didn’t last long with me. 44DDs don’t come overnight without a surgeon’s help). Very small, you need a microscope, but they are there. They really do exist.

My legs, which have never really been a problem area, have sharpened up. They respond VERY quickly to any kind of exercise program (which, if I remembered it, would be sufficient inducement to keep me going). I have long, lean muscles in my thighs (Torquemada said something about “pretend you’re cracking nuts” while I was working today. While I get the image, that does nothing for my sex life. There are those who already consider me a nutcracker). There are still a few pockets that put me on the Beverly Hills Most Wanted list, but on the whole, not bad. And that’s pretty good.

The appearance of my neck has improved to the point that I don’t want to burst into tears when I see it. There are going to be jowl issues but that comes under the category best described by Janeane Garafalo in “Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion.” They are “the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.” That and skin that turns red and blisters if you mention the word “sun.”

I will not be winning an arms race, however. While sweating and stretching in Pilates class on Sunday, I caught sight of tricep region flapping. Damn those exercise room mirrors. This is not so dismaying as it would be to say, look down at the legs and see flaps or bulges where there weren’t any.

I have a job interview in the morning and I have a respectable Elie Tahari suit (side note: those top ranked designers that WILL make clothes for larger women? Bless you and I will be patronizing you all the way down). It may be practically falling off my butt. Not that this is a bad thing. Maybe if it looks like I’ve been hungry for a while, they’ll take pity and give me the job. Right and George Clooney is going to declare his undying love for me. However, I believe it’s against any company’s HR policy to drop your pants on their property.  

I haven’t been measured in a couple of weeks, except for the weight and blood pressure (I got this great wrist cuff at the drug store. About 50 bucks, wicked easy to use and it even saves the information. For the purposes of seeing the benefits of your weight loss program, I highly recommend getting one).   

The personal trainer (aka Torquemada aka The Pushy Peanut) let me win a debate today (eyebrows arched). She had one of their training stools for step on/ step off exercises. I balked at it because I could see myself tumbling off of it (the top isn’t very large if you’re paying more attention to keeping your shoulders in the right position and less on where your feet go). She was going to build a platform out of big weights when I suggested moving into the vacant exercise room and using an aerobic step (with the platforms to elevate them). Because I was not so concerned about missing the step and falling (and according to the Law of Attraction, if you see it in your mind, it’s going to happen in reality), I was able to do the workouts the little sadist wanted me to perform (Step up, step down, weights in hand. Tricep dips, although it was necessary to spread a towel over the step to prevent the tread from digging trenches in my hands, and squat/stand/bicep curl).

She had me perform walking lunges as well, which have been extremely difficult for me (balance issues and the right knee does not like them. At all). While I will still fall out of a Warrior Pose (especially if the hour before yoga was spent really pushing on the elliptical machine and the treadmill), these weren’t too bad.

So, there’s progress being made. I’d rather see it on the scale. One is judged by weight and clothing size, especially around LA. There is truth in “The Devil Wears Prada.” Of course, it should be noted that these starlets who wear the size 0 and size 2 clothing are tiny little women. Princess Diana wore a size 10 (5’10” and 165 lbs. That’s a tall, thin woman. She had 3 inches on me. I have 30 lbs. on her and I wear bigger rings. I think I could have taken her).  I’ve worked as an extra and I’ve been paid to be in an audience (some of the lesser sitcoms, including “Two and a Half Men”). Christina Applegate is tiny (and was a dedicated smoker back in 2003). The woman who played Barbara Jean on “Reba” looked like a horse only because Reba McIntyre is a whole lot of talent packed tightly into a whole lot of tiny. These women look tall because they’re wearing platform stilettos (that’s just asking for a sprained ankle). They’re not built like the average American woman. Christina Aguilera could fit comfortably in a carry-on suitcase (of course, Homeland Security might have some tough questions for you). Cameron Diaz is a very tall, very thin woman (and a pretty decent bowler. I’ve seen her in action). People are cruel to the overweight and obese, but according to Ms. Diaz, she was called “Skeletor’ in high school. I don’t have guys staring at my legs (yet) or asking for my number, but maybe soon.

By the way, I could do with a date to my birthday party, so if you know George Clooney…

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