Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Today's Post Written By Mr. Wizard

194.6 lbs.  While I am not a fan of the lazier forms of coal mining (strip, mountaintop removal), I’ve decided that maybe I should consult with Massey Energy about busting this plateau.

Such a variety pack of idiots this morning: the woman who took up two lockers (the same broad who had taken up a whole corner of the locker room giving herself a pedicure), the other woman who was generous to share her music with the entire room (BAD hip hop) and the guy who gave me the “fat bitch” stink eye while leaving such a thick pall of cigarette smell in his wake, I nearly choked.

When I am working as hard as I am (according to My Net Diary, my caloric output is 1100-1200 per day, following the instructions of Torquemada), I expect results besides being drenched in sweat. The right music is essential (not to be shared with the rest of the room), especially for the “cardio blast” portions. Tom Jones helps. Yes, THAT Tom Jones, the one your mother (or grandmother. If you’re young enough for your grandmother to have been a big fan, go away, just go away) was in love with back in the 60s. The guy may be older than Sean Connery, but he’s still got it. Of course, these days, it’s not panties and room keys being thrown at him but Depends and Medic Alert bracelets. I also have Public Enemy, Van Halen, Eminem, the Beatles and Donna Summer. Whatever gets the feet moving.

I have added CLA (Conju-something or other Lineolic Acid) a half-hour prior to working out (Torquemada recommended it as a thermogenic). I had added but then dropped the sublingual B12 as it is the “cyano” variety. Why yes, that does sound like cyanide. For a good reason: it turns to cyanide in the brain.  Why do you think I dropped it? There is a different variety, I don’t remember the type but simple rule: if the B 12 has “cyano” in the name, don’t use it.  Write that down.

I was working extremely hard yesterday (cardio blast on the elliptical) and got threatened by a yoga teacher (Lila. I made the mistake of telling her that Rochelle had tried to kill us. As she was making her way around the room adjusting people, she very quietly told me, “I’ve got dozens of ways to kill you.” Yikes!

However, the scale has been stuck where it is since Saturday. While, yes, I am seeing (and Torquemada was seeing) muscle development, I started this enterprise to lose gross tonnage. Plateaus defeat this purpose. After the last upward spike + plateau + other symptoms, I got a Navy Seal team to go in and eliminate gluten, which worked, but gluten apparently has other buddies working to undermine me.

I have been examining the clues and reviewing the security tapes (well, the contents of the fridge and My Net Diary) and I can now reveal the name of the loss killer.


No, I am not scarfing Snickers bars or ice cream or cookies. Except…

I bought a couple of gluten-free items from Trader Joe’s: granola and chocolate almond horns. Okay, yeah, the chocolate almond horns are cookies and sweet, but they’re 190 calories each, dark chocolate is actually good for you and I ate my protein and vegetables before I had ONE per day. Plus, like I’ve said, I’ve been working at burning the calories. And they’re gluten-free and really, really, really good.

As for the granola, it is loaded with several kinds of natural sugars (honey, raisin syrup, Yes, I said, “raisin syrup.” Who knew the little buggers had it in them?). Like those ads trying to convince us that high fructose corn syrup is actually harmless (Corn “sugar” by any other name. Yeah right and I’m the real Queen of England), sugar is sugar. For months, I have been using stevia as a sweetener or blue agave nectar at most. The only other sugars I’ve taken in were those that naturally occur in fruit and vegetables.

I’ve never had occasion to compare myself to a finely-tuned instrument, but apparently, that is the case, as least as far as my metabolism. Athletic performance? Not so much.

Whereas, yes, I am burning the calories, there are other side effects of sugar that make me think it’s the culprit. Sugar is inflammatory to the pancreas, the liver and other internal organs. I may have the numbers right, it’s a question of the biochemical effects of what goes in.

I actually watched “The Biggest Loser” last night (Am I the only person whose immediate gut reaction to Jillian Michaels is an overwhelming desire to just punch her in the face? Every time I see her). One of the participants said, “When you’re on a low calorie diet, you have to make every bite count.” He’s right (he’s also out).

Food is fuel. And we are complicated machines that need certain amounts of particular nutrients to keep all systems working. It’s a delicate balance. We are walking chemistry experiments (maybe that’s why guys try to light their farts; they think they’re Bunsen burners) and the introduction of excess carbon (think of a marshmallow that’s been on fire) gums up the works. (I  was going to say “sugar in a gas tank,” but according to Snopes, that’s a myth. I will be alerting Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman. Maybe they can blow up something).

So, today, the calorie count will remain the same, but the sugar will be eliminated. We will see the results tomorrow. If I’m right, I should see a drop in poundage. And that 109 lbs. of sugar the average American eats in a year? Use mine to make alternative fuel.

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