Saturday, April 21, 2012

List of Demands

Dear Universe,
It’s time for a “Come to Jesus” meeting.
You’re performing acceptably in the “basic needs met” department, but that’s about it. You get off to strong starts in “transition towards goals” then kind of peter out despite the energy and effort I’m putting in there. As with any employee whose work is not what it should be, I’m going to have to give you a list of goals. I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.

1. Enough of this “feast or famine” bullshit with the income flow. I’m DONE with worrying about covering my expenses beyond shelter and food (clothing, I don’t shop that much. Lately). I’ve had it not having enough to join in on birthday parties, movie trips, seeing my friends’ shows, etc. (when I’m invited) because I don’t have the scratch. Oh yeah, and part of those expenses will be body maintenance such as hair, nails, face.  It’s been over a year since I was able to have my hair professionally cut, colored and styled. I am educated, I work my ass off and with one or two exceptions, my employers are goddamned pleased with my work. STARTING TODAY, you are to provide me with a veritable Mississippi River of income (legal). It can come from once source or multiple, I don’t give a good goddamn, but it is ALWAYS to be no less than 10 times my monthly expenses, regardless of what they are.  And you can start with the money sitting in Colorado that is now 1 year, 2 months and 2 weeks overdue.

2. A home of my own. I’d prefer to remain in the Valley near my friends. I have a successful rental history and reference lined up.  And this ties to the financial progress because it’ll cost me a lot less to be in an apartment than it does to be in this hotel (as nice as it is). Doesn’t have to big or fancy, but there has to be room enough for me, a cat or two, my artwork (including Red Sox memorabilia to be framed) and a full kitchen (meaning I have an oven, not just a two burner stovetop). Oh yeah, garage (or covered parking) and some kind of patio or backyard (with shade). I haven’t been able to spoil the local hummingbirds in a while. You owe me on this point. I’d like a gas fireplace, air conditioning and a well-lit space. Cats are solar powered and need frequent sunbaths.

3. The start in creative writing success this week SHALL continue and build. The Rick Santorum sketch on is getting a good reception, this blog is THIS CLOSE to 8,000 hits and work on a website for the novel (to be an E Book) will commence shortly. No more sudden stops, no more fucking detours, no more promises made being abandoned. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. Should it culminate in a TV series and a movie or two, that would be great. You will need to provide the opportunities, I’ll take it from there. Starting today.  More followers on Blogger and Twitter, Facebook likes, Pinterest pin, whatever. Bring my audience.

4. The body: I’ve been stuck in the 170s neighborhood since fucking July 2011. Genug already (genau, enough, assez, suficiente, bastante). I’m eating right, I’m still hitting the gym but the Great White Belly is not diminishing to where I can see progress. START SHOWING ME VISIBLE FUCKING PROGRESS! I need something good to post to Nerd Fitness. Oh, and this ties to the financial progress because if I have to buy my own damned health insurance, it doesn’t happen with the Great White Belly hanging around (and the insurance is needed to get the Wonky Right Knee fixed. Sick of that shit, too). The United Healthcare computer algorithm doesn’t give a fuck about my habits so much as it does my BMI. Size 6 or Size 8 would be lovely. Get cracking.

5. More friends/social connections.  I love and would not trade my current circle of friends. However, when they are all busy with other things, I get lonely and I am sick of spending Friday and Saturday nights by myself doing NOTHING (except for Shark Tank on ABC. It’s educational). Throw me some additional friends and, oh yeah, the RIGHT MAN. If these are people I’m working with on writing more sketches or other pieces to be performed, wonderful. What? They’ll come through improv/stand-up/sketch writing classes?  Send me the means to join. Just give me the opportunities. I’ll do the rest.
. More travel opportunities and not just as a means of survival. I’m done with that. I want to travel (writing research? Book tour? Yeah, bring ‘em.), do it first-class all the way. And I want a travel companion.

7. I want assets. I want to rebuild and expand my coin collection (including getting some Vermont coppers). I want to rebuild the investment portfolio that I had to cash in during the most recent “famine” period. Stress sucks and assets go a long way towards reducing/eliminating it.

8. I figure that I am overdue for a 50th birthday party. It was another stupid fucking famine period when June 1, 2011 rolled around. Yes, there was a celebration, but I want a PARTY.

Okay, so that’s only 8 goals and usually, lists like these are in 10s, 3s or 5s. Deal with it. End of meeting. You have work to do.

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