Monday, June 20, 2011

Meditation From a Ladies' Locker Room

179.8, but it's down from the spike.

What follows is a repeat of a blog entry from my Myspace account dated at least 4 years ago.

     You wouldn't believe it to look at me, but I do hit the gym and work out (No, really, I do. I have the stinky sneakers to prove it. For the California audience: sneaker = tennis shoe. Don't worry; I'll have you speaking English in no time). I have also been in ladies' restrooms at numerous times in my life (without a doubt, the filthiest, most disgusting restroom is in a Taco Bell in Long Beach on the PCH. Coin-operated and can rival the ones in Trainspotting and Desperado). I find the behavior of women in these places to be both fascinating and universal. Men, if you want to know what happens in a ladies' room (or ladies' locker room), you will now find out without risking a Peeping Tom charge:

1. There will always be the oral hygiene fanatics. Women who bring toothbrushes and Crest to work. I really can't knock this - dentists want us to brush after every meal. However, there are the fanatics, as mentioned, and they not only brush but floss. This exceeds the boundaries of what is acceptable in society; nobody wants to see THAT far down your throat. I'm waiting for someone to give herself an annual check-up after lunch.

2. Makeup artists. Most women, if they care about appearance, will have a tube of lipstick or some powder to re-apply at lunch. In my case, it is determined by whether the men around me are worth the extra effort (generally, the answer is "no," even with initial attractiveness. It's not that familiarity breeds contempt, it's just that you get to see why they're single in the first place). The most extreme case came when I was working for a Fortune 500 company. I saw a woman wash her face and completely re-apply her makeup. Lady, you've GOT to be kidding me: nobody, but nobody in that office merited that kind of devotion. She had the full-size makeup train case including brushes and lash curler. If this was the travel kit, I'd hate to see the home edition. Of course, in her defense, she really, really needed the makeup.

3. The Adjustors: Men, we know you enjoy playing with the tatas. If you saw what I see, you'd treat them with a little more respect. Women will emerge from the stalls, wash hands while grimacing (makeup check) or stretching face (pore and potential zit check), then reach into bras and push, pull, shove, fluff (I can't think of a better description for the action), shake and tug. Doesn't matter that it's a public space. Doesn't matter if it's a room full of strangers; we're all female, so clearly, it's a safe space to maul the goods. Mine? Very well-trained; they stay where I put them and don't wander around like other women's do. One day, there will be a sign "$1000 reward for return of my boobs. They must have wandered off between 8 AM and noon because when I was groping for them after lunch, they were missing.Please help: they're too small to be on their own."

And, my personal favorite, the universal: The Ass Checkers. Someone please explain to me why my fellow females feel it necessary to whip around and stare at their backsides in locker room mirrors. It's there, Madam, I assure you. It's that white, lumpy thing under your "Hot to Trot" tramp stamp, right (and that's looking a bit runny these days). Weren't you just struggling to pull Spandex over it? And these women don't do anything after studying their posteriors. No tugging of pants or other adjustments, they just give it a narrow-eyed stare. Maybe squinting at it makes the thing look smaller - most of the ones being checked can be seen from the space shuttle. "Roger that, Houston. We've got the Great Wall of China, Zack just spotted a hurricane over the Atlantic, I see Donald Trump's ego and, hey, Zack, would you say that's a woman's ass down there? The big thing in hot pink? Yep, that's confirmed, Houston, we're seeing ass."

And that's it for now

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